I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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