if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
