Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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