I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
