if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
