chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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