gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
