i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
