So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
