I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We need a shit load of segways right now
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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