I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
