Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
