mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
