I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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