I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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