Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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