In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
