my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
