Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just had sex on a roof
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
is it fun? or sober?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
