she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
