he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
