So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
