Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
