I cannot find my penis.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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