Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
one two three fourrrrnication!
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
