i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
