can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
