Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
