dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
