then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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