you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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