he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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