I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
