I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
