just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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