dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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