Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
