Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
