I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
