I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
