he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She bit a glass in half.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
