member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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