i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
