I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
false alarm. still invincible.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
