can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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