just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
