i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
