If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i used baking grease as lip gloss
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
