Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
