I could make wine with my vomit
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
FUCK WHALES
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
