I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
