He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
and you said cock pushups were impossible
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
