Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
