she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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