My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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