Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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