This is not my ceiling
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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