fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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