Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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