I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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