this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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